I came back to the office after four days of being away — two days off and two days absent. And I realized one thing: I really am a great pretender.
I faked my way through the day, making it seem to people who aren’t in the know (really, there’s only one person at work who does know what I went through and still am going through) that I’m perfectly fine and that there’s nothing wrong.
But before everyone started their shift; when it was only me and one other person sitting on our line of desk stations, I practically cried my eyes out. Oh heck, I even cried discreetly in the UV on my way to work.
I was dreading work more for what it would do to my sanity than the actual work itself.
Just the thought of it’s making me so fucking exhausted and stressed out and I can’t even begin to explain in words just how much.
But I had to — have to suck it in because rarely do I let people who actually know me in real life know what is actually going on with me.
Amidst the burst of tears, though, some people sent me a message asking me if I was okay. HA! The gesture’s appreciated but I really am not okay and isn’t that a little too obvious???
But I will continue pretending until I actually believe it myself. I will continue pretending that nothing’s wrong until maybe, the universe would somehow get the hint and actually make it all okay for me.
Until then, I’m going to be one hell of a great pretender.